Alt-text: And the baby has a fever. |
I wake up trapped in cheap cotton sheets, sticky with secretions, belt still wrapped around my abscessed arm. Sick yellow light seeps in through the translucent curtains and fills the veins that splay across the walls and ceiling, a stomach of a room that pulsates and melts me down into cheap cotton and hard springs. She comes in through that sphincter of a door and I can see she's already half-digested, skin crinkled and sweat-sodden, hair hard and already curling.
She sees me and a black smile breaks her face in half and she's on me before I can move. But the mind isn't willing and the flesh is barely aware, flops like rotten meat dropped on the concrete, but she finds a way to get what she wants.
Eat this tuna sammich boy, mommy made it 'special.
I do what I was taught to do in that dark little room, what I draw and attempt to sanitise with black, clean lines on crisp white but it's never clean. This time is different though, I can see through her cotton-skin into her, inside her and I can see a little clump, a little glowing ball sitting in there and as she's jerking and jostling I can see it work loose. When she wails like a banshee it gets washed down, her twitching firing it into my mouth and I can feel it embed into the back of my tongue and I can't scrape it off with my teeth and I can't get my fingers to it. I wonder what the fuck it is and then the truth smashes through my forehead like a bullet, leaves a hole where my thoughts leak out. I start trying to work out when we last fucked, turn to see her flopped over in the bed beside me and I can't, I don't know.
I scramble some clothes on and they latch onto my melting skin like mould, run out of that stomach-room into bright, burning sunlight. I just run, my legs taking over as my mind dribbles out and I find myself at the drug store. I hunt around like a coyote that lost the scent trail and I see something that makes sense and I grab it, rip open the box and pull off the blue lid and jam the thing in my mouth. It says twenty seconds so I count them like fucking ice ages and the world around me spins and changes in a hot, musty blur.
Hands are pulling at me and I can hear voices in the distance but I wait my twenty seconds and pull it out, look at that clean little digital display tell me what I already know, what I already feel doubling and doubling and doubling in size at the back of my tongue and all I can think is...
...I should probably make a comic out of this.
It seems you can only go so far with an XKCD blog before it turns into fan fiction.
ReplyDeleteExactly what I was thinking.
ReplyDeleteThis is turning into xkcdsucks.
sweet, now you just need to pretend like you got hacked
ReplyDeleteKitten(s), as part of my undying devotion to this blog, I have been trying to make this forum-bingo thing work. So here are the bingo scores for three weeks worth of comics.
ReplyDelete891 (Movie Ages) - 7 squares
892 (Null Hypothesis) - 4 squares
893 (65 Years) - 10 squares
894 (Progeny) - 3 squares
895 (Teaching Physics) - 7 squares
896 (Marie Curie) - 12 squares, almost, twice!
897 (Elevator Inspection) - 6 squares
898 (Chain of Command) - 6 squares
No bingos yet, but wait, here's the result of my trial run with 603 (Idiocracy) And It's a bingo!
It was a 13-page thread, mostly full of TL;DR posts. I feel like I should get an award for that, but it was worth it all for this.
Also it would be nice if you had an email address that I could send these to, in the same manner as Rob receives his guest reviews.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteFuck you, Blogger. Stop deleting my posts!
ReplyDeleteDisagreeing with the science in this post:
"Also that argument is flawed because average lifespan doesn't affect population size. Randall could have pointed that out, the comic would have been much better."
I signed up just to say... AND Red moderator text in this post:
"I registered just to reply to this... it seems that the comic, at least as it relates to Britain, is actually wrong, as British IQ levels have been declining for 30 years:
[The next part is in red]
No links before 5 posts. Especially if you link to filthy scum like the BNP.
NOT. WELCOME. HERE."
Reminds me of this older comic in this post
"I don't know if anyone already pointed this out (and didn't feel like filtering through this 9 page debate), but this is not white hat's debut. He chatted it up with Beret guy before in Dignified:
http://xkcd.com/291/"
And our LONG post (500+ words) can be found here!
To save you the trouble of reading it, let it just be said, IT'S OVER 9000 WORDS!
Jon, if you make your email available in your blogger profile, I'll make you an author on the blog. Alternatively, send it to me at dgmontrose at yahoo dot co dot uk (although I have no way of verifying that you sent the email...).
ReplyDeleteWhat the... all my deleted comments are back. Did you do this? Wait, did I? Was it all a hallucination that they were deleted in the first place?
ReplyDeleteOn the subject of becoming a co-author of this blog, yes. Yes I will. My email address is visible now. I never imagined myself doing this, but if given the chance I will post bingo scores until the end of time.
ReplyDeleteAnd this is the strange story of how I became a blogger.
I've sent an invite. Not sure how it works from there, but I'll figure it out.
ReplyDeleteSo now I'm part of Xkcdsucks Reboot. Weird, huh?
ReplyDeleteOkay, the guy that wrote the long post has a bit too much free time, I think.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Jon: are you going to be doing bingo for the forum threads for 890 and earlier? Seeing what the crazies over at the xkcd forums are up to is much more interesting than the comic itself, nowadays.
Yes, I will be doing a few retro editions of bingo for some of the 'classics', such as 631.
ReplyDelete